Bisexuality – Part One

I can trace the awakening of my bisexuality to the eighth grade and Xarviera Hollander’s book "The Happy Hooker". In her book Ms. Hollander’s admitted attraction and sexual encounters with other girls opened my mind to the possibility of having sex with someone of the same sex. It would be three years before I’d experience sex with anyone other than myself.

It was my junior year; the previous year in an art class where we were the sole sophomores I’d met a guy with a passion for illustrated graphics and we’d become fast friends. We were both awkward and odd, he was short and outgoing, and I was tall and shy. But we were honest with each other and when he confessed to keeping muscle magazines beneath his bed for their erotic stimulation, I recalled my experiences with Ms. Hollander’s book and confessed to being curious about sex with another guy. *

The rampant homophobia in our culture at the time (high school and otherwise), the fear of being labeled a fag, the fear of actually being a fag all contributed to uneasiness about the actual act of sex between the two of us. Beyond that, we we’re both socially awkward, but he proved much braver and made the first move. At first, I would only let him touch me (classic passive aggressive, I wanted it to happen but waited for him to take action) until eventually my hunger and desire for the experience made me reach out in his direction.

And then there was the guilt after everything had been cleaned up with Kleenex ®.

It wasn’t so much guilt at having done something wrong but it was guilt associated with the shame that attended the possibility of being discovered. Ninety eight percent of my life was as a walking talking heterosexual, that no one would likely guess was experimenting sexually with his best friend. But I could imagine the life altering/threatening consequences of openly admitting to that fact. It just wasn’t done.

I lead an outwardly normal heterosexual lifestyle, pursuing girls and eventually having sex with them. But the desire to be with another man would grow or the opportunity would present itself and my friend and I would get together and then feel guilty afterward.

I didn’t necessarily struggle with my feelings, it was everyone else’s feelings that I was worried about. The rejection by family and friends was not an option so my bisexuality was hidden and it took a few years before I could come close to feeling comfortable with my bisexuality but in the end, not comfortable enough to disclose it to but a select few.

To be continued…

* Full disclosure at some future date.